Shame

I was an actor put
in the role going back 
to the beginning
of female existence
I had never 
played
at that part
I was prideful
staring in at my own 
petrified heart
stained with selfishness
throwing my goodness
into the fire
that started
dancing
joy never involved
just anger
wasted time
hatred inward flowing
impressed upon my 
insipid soul
I rode it back from the end
I rode it
seething grateful sadness
turning it in the spit
the teeth
the tongue
lashing out in the dark
the wishes I keep wishing
and yet
unknown forces 
keep pulling me back 
into the same
answer

shame