Floodgate

I scream in
increments
like a balloon
letting out just enough
but for my sake
knowing you've come too far
when you welcome pain
as a friend
to break
begging it to stay
when it hurts too much
in its absence
to come again
quaking at degrees of panic
I have yet to contemplate
and risk letting too much go
it's much too late
the realization
there is no point in waking
when relief
is far too great
in knowing you can
let it out
a little at a time
but never
open the gate

enough.

Anxiety curled into 
the fists run through
scalp and hair
happily taken
with fears lapping up 
the cream
forked into and 
pooling
at my feet
like a mistake
laughing up at me 
what good is what good is what good is
what 
good what is
enough

It would take
being
to render
understanding. 

Pork

It's different
with you
different this time
your face
your eyes
and images
plastered in my mind
of redheads
girls I know
like poultry
all breasts
and thighs

I look down
and all I see
is pork.

There

Once again I get heady 
and I leave the room
it builds up inside
so I leave too soon
tracing old scars 
and waiting for the new
it all bleeds in together
muscle and sinew
you put forth problems
but answers reflect
questions arise
but the solutions neglect
you show what you want
and keep what you heed
keep ripping up the weeds 
but missing the seed
and there it grows 
and it multiplies
doubt creeping like a vine
behind pained eyes
you see colors
you see the beauty in the rain
I'm done dancing
because I feel it as pain
don't point at me and judge
don't point at me and stare
you haven't been me
you haven't been there. 

Locks

You've entered
in places I had
folded together
in parts
I had sealed
away
opened my heart
with the adept
fingers
of long metal
and twisted gently open
effortlessly
the feelings inside
as each tumbler
slowly gives way
my stubborn 
heart
being reunited with joy
I never thought
existed

for my sister...

We sat in the car that day
I, having been through
something traumatic I assume;
and you always beside me,
trying to make do

one white...
one yellow balloon...

Alas, in my excitement, 
The string slipped from my hands;
and the balloon, sensing freedom,
loosed itself into the world.

As I sat there in tears,
you simply smiled;
and without a thought let go.
Your balloon, following mine into the heavens.

I have never forgotten this.
I never will.

My heart goes to you,
and my love goes with her.

Secure

I'm never secure in 
what is mine
learned the hard way
taken in kind 
I have to let this go, walk away
have to stand down
hold myself at bay
would be easy if we knew
when to fight
what was black 
what was white
maybe its just time
or the enemy at the door
the voice inside screaming
begging for more
living behind it here 
something an awful lot
like what it is to fear


Lacking all the strength 
I already want what you've given me

the patience it takes
I will go further
to any length
the trouble taken in 
by steps and measures
where does one really begin?

already taken what you gave
Giving it back now
would have made me
your willing 
slave

Train

I just wish I knew how
I don't always know how to be the woman I want to; 
I wish I knew what was right. 
I wish I knew me.
The keenest sense that I used to get that there was a rail, 
The path was clean, and I was on the train. 
I was fine until I lost that groove. 
In the wood, the grain splitting in two. 
The train derailed,
I was flying through it all.
Before I even knew, before I even knew... 

Leftover

I am going to 
dinner
but I'm not 
the main
course

Not even sure
I qualify
as leftovers...