undeserving

here am I
with everything
ever I wanted
completely
undeserving...

listened.

truth is:
I never had talent
and they knew 
all along

and I should have
better
listened.

Guilty.

I hate myself
tonight.
It isn't enough
either...
I have to push guilt
the drug of choice
who needs needles
or pills
when you can
just open your own
vivid imagination
to tear your world
down around you?

of this
and everything else
I am absolutely
guilty.

Empty

Maybe
you don't see
what is really inside
you put me up
you put me in
glancing furtively in the
right direction
hoping more would come
all I have is a husk
an empty joke
grazed with a quiet sense of
self deprication
coated in the lies
I tell myself
although I never was much
good at it
only to myself dear,
and she to everyone
else
but I am the greatest
deciever
trying to believe there was
anything good left
other than failure
other than
a waste

my hands are empty
simply
covered in mud

Shame

I was an actor put
in the role going back 
to the beginning
of female existence
I had never 
played
at that part
I was prideful
staring in at my own 
petrified heart
stained with selfishness
throwing my goodness
into the fire
that started
dancing
joy never involved
just anger
wasted time
hatred inward flowing
impressed upon my 
insipid soul
I rode it back from the end
I rode it
seething grateful sadness
turning it in the spit
the teeth
the tongue
lashing out in the dark
the wishes I keep wishing
and yet
unknown forces 
keep pulling me back 
into the same
answer

shame