birthday 26

all day
my ice cold heart
melted
from my eyes

beautiful wishes
another year unfulfilled
happiness always
within reach
but still beyond my fingers

another year celebrated
another mourned.

Black and White (song)

It isn’t my choice to walk away
My hands are tied by your binds
It’s crazy to stay here and perish
I must be out of my mind

Always something to hold me here
Something to use the pain
A tether I cannot cut too deeply
Or I render my heart in twain

And I look to find the reasons
I must make everything right
But all I see
Is black… and white… black… and white

The best laid plans have failed again
How did I know this was the same?
Come and go like the wheel turns around
And who but me to blame?

The candle burns down to the wick
The light goes out on me
In the dark I reach for an answer
And expect somehow to see

I look for the reasons
I must make everything right
But all I see
Is black… and white… black… and white

black and white

I do not know
why
I turn away
unable to read faces
unable to sense
intention
content
If it all were
simply black
and white
it would not be
so hard
I would
not love you
hate you
breathing in and out
each emotion
one at a time
riding the surface
in waves of vibration
rippling

transformation.

thoughts i brought home
from being away
second guessing motives
still caught in the sway
undressing ideas
compromising feelings
gone under cover
on to secret dealings
the paint was set
the glue was dry
too soon before I wanted
too soon to wonder why
instead of moving on
go with what I had
secure with the known evil
invariably sad
but other than prediction
there was no other source
to take my future lightly
or handle it with force
thinking for the better
hoping for the good
I did what I was able
instead of what I should
is this my lesson?
the moral to my tale?
never wanting more again
no risk therefore no fail?
what could I deal with
what could I gain
from stepping into the fire
except inevitable pain?
here is my conundrum
the riddle I ignore
to stay in solitary
or strive for something more
what'ere I choose to act on
I'll never come out clean
so fuck the pussy-footing
Its time to get real mean
forget the son's of bitches
who put me in my place
I'll tear your world to pieces
and throw it in your face
once I am elected
back up on my feet
I'll know the taste of victory
could never be as sweet

mouth

i was given a
mouth
to ask what
is this
and why
was i
given a mouth?

consider the turtle...

riding through
I saw the turtle
gleaming in the sun
head held high
feet slowly dragging foward
across the road
and as I passed
all I could think
was of the tires
coming the other way
of what he didn't see
and what would certainly
end him
On my way back home
through the same road
I scanned
waiting to see his crushed form
my heart
beating in anticipation
hoping
wondering
condemning him to death

I never saw it
he had proved
me wrong
happily.

help

I keep treating this with gloves on
telling myself that one day
I won't need them
that it will be safe to take them off
and work on
something else
but I know better
I don't want to help you do this
pluck the fowl
somehow hide all the feathers
stop time and walk in between
somehow riding the edges
and not getting cut
I can stop this ride anytime
I don't have to keep going
I know better I swear to Him I do
but I stay in my seat
here in this nightmare
once more again
waiting for justice to prevail
or you to change your mind
just come to your senses suddenly
but its all a crazy lie
I don't want to help you do this
but I do

statue

sick and tired of feelings
I want to curl up
next to my ambivalence
and be
for one shocking moment
intensely serene
forgetting that I ever cared
forgetting I ever pained
never wasting a thought
on anyone
anything but the last drop
of humanity
sliding down
like a medication
a prayer choked on
sobs that never left the chest
I hate my anger
I fear my horror
I mourn my sadness
and I know nothing more
perfection

long gone

silently shaking
from the latest
injury to insult inside
I wait for Fate to explain
why
I get pushed out
of the nest
when I was long gone
thinking I was
long gone
I thought I was golden
I was wrong

wanted to

you said innocently
that if you said
you wanted them to
then you wanted them to
you kept your choice
of grammer
you defended
your words

how I wish
they were for me

because I want to